It’s time we had a little chat. I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason but for a while there I was starting to lose hope.
I’m not going to sugar coat it 2015, you were probably the most challenging year of my life so far. You started off quite well, I was being given new opportunities at work and the mister and I went on a romantic break to Budapest. However in the Spring you threw me a completely unexpected curve ball.
I have wanted to write about this on my blog for such a long time but I couldn’t bring myself to hit that publish button. I was embarrassed, and scared that you’d think less of me. I apologise in advance if this post doesn’t make much sense but I need to write this for myself, as a reminder that I’m stronger then I ever thought possible. So here goes.
I’ve been scared to tell my readers, or anyone for that matter, that I was made redundant from my marketing job that I’d worked in for over 3 years. For a long time I felt like it was my fault. That somehow I wasn’t good enough at my job or capable enough to be needed. Redundancy made me doubt myself in ways I never knew possible. I’m quite insecure as it is, always worrying unnecessarily, but this change in circumstance made me feel constantly anxious, inadequate and useless. I struggled to sleep at night, lost the will and motivation to get out of bed in the morning. Just doing every day, normal things became hard work.
I have always been extremely hard working, I’m not particularly clever, but I do work hard and thrive when I have a purpose. That is the way I’ve always succeeded in everything I’ve achieved, and that’s something I’m proud of. So to turn up to work one day and be told out of the blue that I would no longer have a job felt like a rug being swept from beneath my feet. I felt like I’d lost a core part of who I was and it took me a long time to find myself and regain my confidence, in fact I’d say that’s still a work in progress now.
When I was first made redundant I tried to enjoy having time to myself to do nice things. I’ve worked since the age of 16 even whilst studying so I tried to justify it by telling myself I deserved a break, but I couldn’t fool my brain into believing it. This wasn’t helped by the fact that it took me 7 months to find a new role.
For 7 whole months I endured attending the job centre, meetings with recruiters, interview after interview, getting so close to job offers and then being rejected at the last hurdle. I can’t say that this rejection helped my mental state, especially as every employer had such positive feedback, I couldn’t understand where I was going wrong. Every knock back was a little harder to accept. Upon reflection, I think it was more to do with how competitive the marketing industry is rather than anything I was doing wrong, but I’m a sensitive soul so of course it had an impact on my confidence.
For the majority of 2015, I felt like my life was on hold. I dreaded having to answer the question “have you found a job yet?”, I know my family and friends meant well but I just felt like a failure. To top it off I missed working, the companionship from the people I worked with and having a reason to get out of bed each day. I also hated that I wasn’t contributing and the unknown was difficult to comprehend.
Even so, 2015 you weren’t all bad, some of the highlights include unforgettable holidays such as Santorini and the Dominican Republic and wonderful days out and experiences that had I been working I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy (such as this one with my Grandparents). We adopted Smokey and Whisky in July and I completed the Shine Walk Marathon for Cancer Research in September.
I was starting to believe that I would never find another role in my field, but at the start of December you gave me the best present just in time for Christmas. I was finally offered a role and I couldn’t be happier to be working again. As soon as I accepted the job, I instantly felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel much happier in myself and even though I’ve only been working a couple of weeks I already feel like I’m making a difference. I still have to work on my confidence and self-belief but I think those wounds will heal with time.
So 2015, in a way I’d like to thank you. Thank you for teaching me that I can make it through even the darkest storms. Thank you for giving me hope just when I thought all hope was lost. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to find new and better things.
P.S. I’m not writing this for sympathy. I am sharing these thoughts because maybe one of you can relate to these circumstances and how I’ve been feeling, and to prove that everything can work out in the end.
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